Journal
Welcome to my journal. This space is for more personal posts and thoughts. Proceed with caution and be sure to check the content warnings for each post. I simply do not wish to sensor myself in this space.04/03 · Masking and having a brand
Content Warnings: AbleismTo me having a brand or hiding behind a character was just a form of masking online.
It's just a performance, it's all an exhausting, grueling performance.
I feel like I haven't been true to myself, not for a long time. I've been constantly creating some kind of branding for a business. But I'm not a business, I don't need branding. I'm just a woman who loves to create art, write poetry, read books, listen to all kinds of music. I love creating for myself. But over the years, every single thing I've ever created had an overhanging thought of "Take a picture of this. Take a screenshot. Show 10 people in DMs and then post it on social media. Get the attention you crave."
I was so entangled in this idea of being something or someone I'm not. Maybe in some universe, I hoped I was her. Growing up as an undiagnosed neurodivergent, I never felt like I truly belonged in a lot of spaces. I think the most true to myself I was, was when I was a teenager in high school. Just the weird art girl, making art all day and listening to indie rock and weird experimental music. I've been shamed so much for being unapologetically myself that I felt like I had to transform into this completely different person, just to fit in. Hell, I even legally changed my name to feel like a new person. I really played the part. I've carried this intense amount of shame in my purse until now, well into my 30s.
If I'm not perceived in the right way, I feel so much shame inside me. If I come across as "stupid", I feel shame. If I make mistakes, I feel shame. If I'm weird and loud and unmask I feel shame. This Lune branding became my ultimate mask, something to hide behind. I am not Lune, I'm Luna. I love gothic imagery but I am not a gothic deity. I'm a soft-spoken nature lover who giggles at even the worst of jokes. I'm a very sensitive person who has love in her heart for everything. I'm the opposite of the Lune character. I tried to harden myself and appear to be a completely different person. The only people I've been able to properly open up to have been my husband, son and close friends. I've really pushed this narrative that I have a specific attitude or personality, when in reality I think I'm actually the complete opposite.
How did I go an entire lifetime without anyone telling me they think I might be autistic? How did I not recognize the signs myself? Looking back at the first 34 years of my life I feel so much sadness for that unsupported girl who never felt like she could fit into any friend group. I felt like an outcast and I wanted to fit in so badly that I felt like I had to transform into a whole other person to fit in. I'm so grateful for my husband and the friends I have now and how they consistently make me feel validated and supported.